The Squad

James Stuart BOARDMAN

AKA: Stan
Roles: DJ Golum Gold, Tea/Kit Boy, Web Geek.
Place and date of birth: Pietermaritzburg, South Africa, 4 July 1968.
Height: 5ft 10in.
Weight: Welterweight.
Education: Great Walstead, Norton College, Sheffield
Marital status: Birdie Num Num.
Debut: Nuthurst at Mannings Heath, 2001-ish.
Highest score: 58 against The Sun 2009
Best bowling: 7-55 against Palmers 2008
Liner I most admire and why: The Gip for his total dedication and commitment to the Headliners CC.
Most memorable moment: Taking wicket number 7, caught and bowled against Palmers 2008.
Hobbies: Fine dining and fly fishing.

Chief photographer, head chef, resident DJ - it's a wonder Stan had time to fit in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Gollum is already a Liners legend and a shrewd signing. Anyone who can rustle up a few runs, the odd wicket and a tuna baguette can't be bad. Has very diverse musical tastes - Ibiza gets Judge Jules, we're lumbered with Judge Judy.

AKA: Dougal, Matt, Braitho.
Roles: Bowling all-rounder - if you can call a second-change bowler and lower-order batsman an all-rounder. Maybe non-rounder would be more accurate.
Place and date of birth: Amidst the pottery kilns of Stoke-on-Trent, 2 March 1973.
Height: 6ft and half an inch.
Weight: 12st 7lb (imagined), anything up to 13st 7lb (reality).
Education: South Hunsley School, East Yorkshire; Keele University.
Marital status: Loved up.
Debut: Some point in 2006.
Highest score: 13 not out on debut.
Best bowling: 3-38 against Lingfield, 16/09/07.
Liner I most admire and why: Larold, as he has a different beard and/or moustache every time I see him.
Most memorable moment: Giving PB out lbw against Island Bakeries. Then being run out when batting with him the next day...
Hobbies: Golf, snowboarding, Guinness and pedantry, though not all at the same time.

Injuries, bust-ups and a dodgy barnet ensured Matt had a baptism of fire on the Garden Isle. But like a hardened veteran of the Nam, he's signed up for another tour. Remember, Matt...Charlie don't give lbws. Impressed with his left-arm dibbly-dobblers and has achieved cult status for sustaining a club website for more than three weeks - with a messageboard! Now needs to capture the true essence of the internet by introducing free porn.

Richard BROWN

AKA: Browny, Browner, Richie,
Roles: Bringing down the clubs average age.
Place and date of birth: Cuckfield, March 23, 1987
Height: 6ft
Weight: 11.7lbs
Education: BA Hons Business Studies – Bournemouth University
Marital status: Single
Debut: 2008, Home to Lindfield. 1 run and no wickets!
Highest score: 38*
Best bowling: 3 - 20
Liner I most admire and why: Couldn’t possibly pick just one..... Although Panch taught me everything I know about the game, blame him!!!
Most memorable moment: Victory over Westover, IOW, 2009! 8TH wicket batting partnership with Larold of 90 odd; followed by an outstanding all round fielding display, as we bowled out Westover for 34! Good game!!!
Hobbies: Football, tennis, drinking, traveling, most sports, friends, family, hanging on to memories of university…

AKA: PB, Philo, Bomber, Skipper Bull (it's my porn name).
Roles: Batsman, occasional wicketkeeper, very occasional bowler.
Place and date of birth: Luton, 26 January 1973.
Height: 5ft 9in.
Weight: 11st 12lb (and rising).
Education: The once God-fearing but now drug-riddled Holy Trinity in Crawley.
Marital status: Married to Kirsten. Two cubs, Harry and Avril.
Debut: 1992 v The Four Bs.
Highest score: 110 not out v Island Bakeries.
Best bowling: 4 for something in Headliners' anniversary match. Stick that on your World Cup wallchart.
Liner I most admire and why: Bruce for his organisation, Dogger for his drinking and Beefy cos he's a gay icon.
Most memorable moment: Jacko's sparrow story, Jacko and Bruce running out a batsman as he attempted an all-run FIVE and chasing down 240 at Shanklin.
Hobbies: Celibacy.

Unusually in sporting circles, PB's prowess with the bat increases in direct proportion to the amount of beer consumed the previous night. In fact, he went on a fitness kick a while ago and was almost dropped from the side! Far more unpleasant is his use of his son Harry to cultivate a friendship with Mushtaq Ahmed. Everyone knows you exploit your kids to pick up chicks, not spin bowlers. Childline is on his case.

Richard BRYANT

headlinerscc_031 AKA: Lucinda. (A little hard to recall why but something to do with Yvonne and the pony - say no more!)
Roles: All-rounder. (More Derek Pringle than Ian Botham!)
Place and date of birth: Folkestone, Kent, 2 May 1966.
Height: 5ft 10in. (Slightly taller if I do not cut my hair!)
Weight: A good fast bowler weight - something a Yorkshire fast bowler dragged from the mines would be proud of.
Education: Comprehensive (meaning I can't spel, use gramer; or recall how to give our batsman the benefit of the doubt on an lbw shout).
Marital status: Married.
Debut: 1993 (0 for plenty over at Forest Row).
Highest score: 66.
Best bowling: 8 for something down at Minehead - we still lost!
Liner I most admire and why: Fingers - he knows how to set the urn up.
Most memorable moment: Ant and RN's verbal jousts back in the early years.
Hobbies: Cricket, football, felching (never found out what this is but think it is something one should list as a hobby).

RB was the sixth member of the Jackson Five until he was kicked out for having ridiculous hair. But Motown's loss is the Headliners' gain and he has gone on to become our most successful bowler. Likely to run you out as a batsman or give you out as an umpire. Prone to bursts of pace and gibberish depending on his intake of shandies. Thankfully, he handles opponents better than he handles beer.

AKA: The Verger, the Big Unit (after Randy Johnson, the baseball pitcher - he is 6ft 8in with a 100mph fastball and I am fat).
Roles: Pace-like-fire opening bowler, little-used late-order destructive batsman.
Place and date of birth: Moreton-in-Marsh, Gloucestershire, 30 May 1962.
Height: 5ft 10 and three-quarter inches.
Weight: Varies between 12 and 15 stone...but more usually at the upper end of the scale.
Education: Limited.
Marital status: Married, divorced, serial shagger, married again.
Debut: Isle of Wight tour, 2005.
Highest score: 49 (and I then bottled it when told how close I was and immediately holed out to mid-off).
Best bowling: 8-20 (but I was still at school) and a hat-trick in 1999 (the opposition refused to give me the ball).
Liner I most admire and why: Phil Bryant (for his night-time acrobatics), Keith Jackson (for his driving), Stats (for his skin).
Most memorable moment: You can never beat your debut...or the first time you meet Larold.
Hobbies: Frenetic masturbation and, er, that's pretty much it.

The Verger has much in common with Friar Tuck. Both have become spiritual leaders for their merry men, both don't like to miss a meal and both have a big biscuit on the top of their bonce. Phil produced one of the best performances in tour history when he removed five Island Bakeries batsmen and then ate most of their barbeque. Possesses deceptive pace (he's slower than he looks) and a smooth tongue. Imagine Casanova in a Vauxhall Nova and you get the picture.

David Adrian COLLEY

AKA: Irish Bob.
Roles: Tour comet - emergency tourist appearing every so often, when you lot are short of Isle of Wight tourists, like a reliable comet sprinkling stardust in my wake - I like to think. Trust me, I'm not gay.
Place and date of birth: Cardiff, November 1962.
Height: 5ft 10in.
Weight: 74kg.
Education: Law degree, Aberystwyth.
Marital status: Accursedly single. Got any sisters? Lonely exes? Or mums?
Debut: Shanklin 2000. (Or was it 2001?) The one where Parky was stripped naked.
Highest score: For you lot, dunno. For Lancing Athletic, 90 v Portslade IIs.
Best bowling: Can't bowl because the last time I did I had to have an epidural and then a year later a microdiscectomy. Would be delighted to show your sisters the surgical scar.
Liner I most admire and why: Parky. Here's why: IoW tour 2000 (or was it 2001?) - stripped naked and mercilessly teased, he seemed to be the team whipping horse. IoW tour 2005 - irrepressibly witty and lively - hey presto - suddenly he was the silverback gorilla from Congo. Observing from my orbit in outer space, his evolutionary progress in the Headliners' apehouse has been remarkable. He should be studied by a primatologist. Or do I mean proctologist?
Most memorable moment: Shanklin B&B 2000 (or was it 2001?) - bliss is black and seven inches long. The rickety jukebox had a vinyl copy of Lieutenant Pigeon's Mouldy Old Dough on it. Suddenly, was back in the South Wales school playground groaning the chorus. So it had to played at least 15 times. Lieutenant Pigeon have a website out there chaps. Go and take a peep. Well worth it!
Hobbies: Drinking tea (PG Tips leaf tea). And anything beginning with 'W', but principally Welsh football (not an oxymoron though possibly a metaphor for my own life) and wanking. Hence my appeal for sisters, the more restless the better.

Wherever John Toshack leads his merry band of lilting-voiced trogladites, Irish Bob is only a few paces behind. The Bluebirds' stalwart has seen more of Eastern Europe than a Cold War Russian infantryman and suffered a similar number of defeats. Softly-spoken and serious, it would surprise his fellow Liners to learn of his reputation among exhausted Argus females for his awesome sexual prowess. Only the Verger can look him in the eye as an equal. Sadly, a slipped disc put paid to to both his swordsmanship and his bowling - and he now gets his grubby gratification from old pictures of Catherine Zeta-Jones. There's disgusting you are, isn't it!

AKA: Fitzy.
Roles: Fingers's sausage rolls
Place and date of birth: Hillingdon, Middlesex, 10 November 1976.
Height: 6ft.
Weight: 12st
Education: BA (Hons) in Sociology from University of Sussex.
Marital status: Married.
Debut: Think it was early 2000. It was the same debut game as Larold.
Highest score: 104 Not Out.
Best bowling: Ten Pin Bowling and 1-5 for liners (5-40 in a previous cricketing life).
Liner I most admire and why: The sheer drinking capacity of Dogger is admirable.
Most memorable moment: Pipping Stan to the Most Improved Player award one year. [Never again] Ed
Hobbies: Mainly clearing up baby sick currently.

Fleet-footed, super-fit, whippet-like - that's Fitzy all right....a few years ago. A nasty dose of DVT (Decidedly Volatile Toenails) means he now goes into bat with an intravenous drip and the St John's Ambulance on stand-by. Still, it hasn't affected his average and he's become a prolific run scorer. Enthusiastic in the field and in the pub. Do tell him the opposition have brought on their dibbly-dobblers, don't tell him the bar's shut.

Christopher FRANCIS

AKA: None with Liners as far as I know but plenty over the years, including Eric, Wease and Fruitbat.
Roles: Batsman/wicketkeeper but wherever I can get in these days!
Place and date of birth: Islington, 20 May 1951.
Height: 5ft 8in.
Weight: Around 12 stone.
Education: To A-level (in English, History and Economics).
Marital status: Married to Deirdre (with two grown-up stepsons).
Debut: Can't remember - probably about seven years ago.
Highest score: 143 for Havering Sunday II v Standard Harlow in about 1973, dropped 6 times including on 0 (eat your heart out, Skip!) - four centuries in total but not for years.
Best bowling: Can't remember, but seven wickets for Belhus II when about 17.
Liner I most admire and why: Bruce Talbot - because it means I may still get a game even further into my dotage!
Most memorable moment: Hopefully still to come.
Hobbies: Practical philosophy, classical music, cooking and travelling.

Chris is the reason why the Headliners have a worse human rights record than the Chinese. Here is a man who has had a major hip operation and yet we still make him keep wicket. Obviously played a higher standard in his younger years and is still too good for most of us. Has the good fortune to possess a rock-solid technique, has the misfortune to work with Fingers.

AKA: Larold, Mr Baxter, Timothy Claypole.
Roles: Debatable.
Place and date of birth: London, 28 December 1971.
Height: 6ft 3in.
Weight: 14 stone.
Education: St John's College, Oxford.
Marital status: Single.
Debut: 2000 (?)
Highest score: 48
Best bowling: 4 for something?
Liner I most admire and why: Doogie - for his hair most memorable.
Most memorable moment: Golden duck on my return from two years in the wilderness.
Hobbies: Drinking, dancing, Polynesian culture and being late.

Once voted "second-tallest player on tour," Raratonga Jonty brings an international flavour to the Liners - having been Her Majesty's Press Official Ambassador to the Cook Islands. After successfully wiping out the natives (male and female) with his own particularly virulent strain of syphilis, he beat a retreat to a similar island paradise - the Isle of Wight. Here be dragons - and mechanical animals!

Simon HOLDEN

headlinerscc_026 AKA: Beefy. (Bear, at home. Also Greedy Fat Pig, at home.)
Roles: All-rounder and personal average enhancer (a not-out merchant).
Place and date of birth: Blenheim Palace (Crawley, actually), 11 December 1967.
Height: 5ft 11in.
Weight: 11st 7lb…all right then, about 12st 10lb…okay, it’s about 13st 10lb.
Education: Minimal. I attended that academy of excellence called Sackville School in East Grinstead. I distinguished myself by being made Head Boy in 1986. It never helped me pull any sixth form totty, though.
Marital status: Engaged.
Debut: Not sure. I think it was at Whiteman’s Green against Horsham Trinity in the third game of the first season.
Highest score: 104 not out.
Best bowling: I think it's 5 for 25.
Liner I most admire and why: Over the years it would have to be Richard Neale for scoring about one third of the club’s runs one season and still being able to do it when he needs to. And Richard Bryant for being so consistent with the ball. The stats don’t lie!
Most memorable moment: In recent times it was Richard Neale’s brilliant catch at Brading when he caught that absolute bullet from that gobshite bullshitter at mid off/extra cover. I have to give myself a mention here for my memorable collapse in the fourth game on tour in Minehead when I fed orange vegetables to a very hungry quadruped in human form.
Hobbies: Stealing and eating cattle.

Kate Moss is not the only model to have problems with their line - Beefy has had a similar affliction for years. The former catwalk king has come a long way since his days donning Lycra and chains as a Page 7 fella. More Freelander than Zoolander, the man they call The Body is now concentrating on cricket and his first love...eating. His batting can be described as consistent and cunning, his bowling swingy and slingy. Razor sharp in the field, he can hear the sound of a falling fondant fancy a mile off.

AKA: Jacko.
Roles: Father figure, confessor, inspiration, muse...and bus driver.
Place and date of birth: Beckenham (home of Haircut 100!), 15 March 1968.
Height: 6ft.
Weight: 13st 13lb.
Education: Expensive. Private. Ultimately wasted.
Marital status: Immeasurably happily married.
Debut: Inaugural Liner match, I believe. Ask RN!
Highest score: 61.
Best bowling: Joyce Cup winning effort while disguised as "Colin" and "Kevin" Jackson.
Liner I most admire and why: The Verger. He's done The Double!
Most memorable moment: Cheating Shanklin bastard and his deaf-blind umpire!
Hobbies: Internet message board tart.

How ironic that when it comes to driving the tour bus, we rely on a man who has had more crashes than Jenson Button. Suffered officially the worst injury in Headliners' history a few years back but is still adept with the ball if not the bowel. Has been mistaken for a member of Sussex's double-winning squad, Colin Jackson, Ronan Keating and the Hitler Youth. Count on him to make you laugh, don't count on him to catch a skier.

Richard Lawrence NEALE

AKA: RN, Errol, Statto's dad.
Roles: Ageing all-rounder with (bad) attitude; club deputy statistician.
Place and date of birth: Harrogate, North Yorkshire, 1.50am, 1 January 1966.
Height: 5ft 10in
Weight: 13 stone (Body Mass Index = 26.1 = officially overweight).
Education: Watching Gordon Greenidge demolish mediocre opposition bowling attacks at Southampton.
Marital status: Single.
Debut: Liners' (then MSTCC) first ever game v Burgess Hill St Andrews, 24 May 1992. Just missed out on doing "the Griggo" on debut: a duck, no runs and no catches, but no minibus, so no door to trap hand in.
Highest score: 112 v Lindfield III (the 20th century equivalent of Buxted Stags), July 18 1993. A century was there to be had by anyone who could hold a bat. Just ask PB...
Best bowling: 6-66 v Bolney, July 11 1993. It would have been 7-60 had Jacko not dropped a sparrow over the boundary rope. And no, I'm not still bitter.
Liner I most admire and why: BT - for his organisational skills; Beefy - for his insatiable appetite (for runs); Dug - for his willingness to play through the pain barrier; PB - for a cover drive to die for.
Most memorable moment: 15-year-old girl Camilla taking a hat-trick of Headliners wickets including yours truly; 5 all out v AmEx; Montgomery Burns saying "excellent", doing a little jig and squealing with delight in the middle of Ashdown Forest when Stuart Ward's end-of-season duck meant a new name at the bottom of the averages; PB storming off to the pub after being controversially triggered by Ant v Lindfield III (see above); being no-balled for grunting; the look on sleep-walking Fitzy's face when he awoke to find me asking him why he was about to piss on my cricket gear.
Hobbies: Golf, cycling, working.

I Believe in Miracles - and PB truly will if RN doesn't punch him for this profile. Errol, Montel, call him what you will, there's no denying Mr Neale has been our greatest player. Comes across as cute and cuddly but often his words contain a hidden meaning. For instance, when he hollers: "Yes please" to get the ball back while bowling, he's actually saying: "Give it to me now and I might spare your mother". And when he shouts: "Caaaaaaaaatch" it roughly translates as "Drop this Jacko and losing a bowel will seem like a picnic". Used to bear a striking resemblance to Pete Sampras - imagine what Pistol Pete would have achieved if he'd had RN's winning mentality.

AKA: Parky, Cecil, Ferengi.
Roles: Leg-spin bowler, match-saving batsman.
Place and date of birth: Croydon, 21 January 1974.
Height: 5ft 7in.
Weight: Unauthorised information.
Education: Patcham High; BHASVIC; Jesus College, Cambridge.
Marital status: Married.
Debut: 1999.
Highest score: 40 (I think).
Best bowling: 5-20.
Liner I most admire and why: Gollum - I just do.
Most memorable moment: Impromptu/involuntary striptease in Shanklin High Street.
Hobbies: Gardening, cooking, philanthropy.

Cruelly overlooked for the role of Truman Capote, Parky has had to content himself with the lead in 'Honey, I Shrunk The Ferengi'. Sparked a new craze in Great Yarmouth by inventing Leg Spin Dancing (a cross between Shane Warne and Stephen Hawking) and is still the only Liner to truly turn the ball. After seeing Parky bowl for the first time, one player observed: "I bet he gets shedloads every week." We presume he was talking about abuse.

AKA: Panch, Cymbals
Roles: All-rounder, former skipper and wicketkeeper.
Place and date of birth: Clapham, 19 August 1958.
Height: 6ft 1in.
Weight: Variable - somewhere between 12 and 16 stone.
Education: Battersea Grammar School (before Shirley Williams did away with it); BA (Open).
Marital status: Married for 26 years to Snapdragon.
Debut: About 2000, I think.
Highest score: About 115 not out (retired) against Buxted Stags.
Best bowling: Don’t take the piss.
Liner I most admire and why: All really, but specifically Beefy for being able to eat a family of four and still have room for dessert; Gip for his dedication and confidence-building encouragement; Fitzy for bowling more two-bounce deliveries than me.
Most memorable moment:Trying to be sold a Poplin Chefs shirt for 50 quid by some oppo skipper on tour. He told me it was the latest cricket wear and he was selling it to fund his trip to Australia. Bernard guest fielding for Cowfold and being put at long leg, both ends, after an appalling run of misfields.
Hobbies: Destroying under-10 bowling attacks, building the new South Africa, being 80s recording artist Mike Parsoms.

You've heard of the Kolpak ruling...well, Panch arrives via the Lurpak ruling (we can't believe he's not better). Spent the past couple of years in South Africa carrying on the work of Nelson Mandela. Now tired of reshaping government and wearing dodgy shirts, our former captain returns to the fold. Used to play bass in a Kajagoogoo tribute band. Still likes to be known by his stage name, Mike Parsoms.

Donald William SEMMONS

headlinerscc_033 AKA: Sir Don.....?
Roles: Anything that doesn't involve expending energy but mainly batting/keeping wicket.
Place and date of birth: Worthing, 11 October 1946.
Height: 6ft 2in.
Weight: 15 stone, excluding one leg!
Education: Roedean - or was that a dream!
Marital status: Married with two daughters.
Debut: 2000...roughly, not really sure.
Highest score: 80-something at Barns Green.
Best bowling: 2 for several.
Liner I most admire and why: Dug...for his bravery and uncomplaining attitude.
Most memorable moment: Breaking a tooth on one of Dug's rock cakes.
Hobbies: Cricket...fishing...computers...holidays!!

The Godfather of the Headliners. Don Corleone makes bowlers an offer they can't refuse every time he goes into bat. The club's most stylish wielder of willow and pretty nifty with the gloves too. Baffling how he can chew up an opposition attack and yet struggle to get his gnashers around a plate of roast beef.

AKA: Honest (work), THE DEVIL!, The Doog.
Roles: Formerly Godfather (due to age), replaced by Don, or all-rounder.
Place and date of birth: 30 Church Road, Worthing, 10 August 1949 (yes, this is correct - forty-nine).
Height: 6ft 5in.
Weight: 16 stone.
Education: Os and As in the old Cambridge Examination Board GCE standard.
Marital status: Divorced but suffering from long-term relationship with cricket-hater.
Debut: It was a dark and windy day when Dogger told me of a frustrated maiden who had a thing for studs in cricket gear. I turned up all ready - instead of which, I was thrown the ball and told to bowl a maiden over. Damn these Yorkshiremen.
Highest score: 116 followed by 108, many moons ago.
Best bowling: 6-10, also many moons ago.
Liner I most admire and why: Richard Neale. A fine all-rounder who, in many ways (except lack of hair), reminds me of myself at an earlier age - attitude included.
Most memorable moment: Opening with Don against Wivelsfield a couple of years ago, we were verbally abused about being Dads Army etc, ad nausea - we put on over a hundred. Kids, huh!!!
Hobbies: Golf, cricket, reading, films and making rock cakes.

Darren Gough, Mark Ramprakash...Dug Simmonds. Anyone who has witnessed Dug's rumba of a run-up will appreciate we've got another cricketer capable of winning Strictly Come Dancing. The Liners' very own Burnside is living proof there's no substitute for experience. Has deceived many a batsman with his surprising bounce and alarming bouffant.

Bruce Jesus Jacob TALBOT

AKA: The Gip, BT.
Roles: Crap batsman, crap bowler, crap fielder in any position you wish to name (though I was once a fine slipper), former captain, secretary, fixtures secretary, kit manager, tour organiser, tour manager, tour transport manager (2007 only), treasurer, club chaplain (hence adding Jesus by deed poll to my name).
Place and date of birth: Stafford, 16 July 1964.
Height: 6ft 3in.
Weight: 12 and a bit stones.
Education: Queen Anne High School, Dunfermline - Fife's premier seat of learning.
Marital status: Living in sin with Alison.
Debut: First game in 1991.
Highest score: 35 against Seaford and a fantastic catch at cover to dismiss their Kenyan overseas player.
Best bowling: 2 for 0 against Cuckfield in last game of the season. I was on a hat-trick going into first game of next season (I think it went for four).
Liner I most admire and why: All of them.
Most memorable moment: Every game is memorable. The 10th anniversary game at Hove was probably the highlight (especially my two catches).
Hobbies: Felching, religious studies, watching Birmingham and the Wasps.

Hounded out of Dunfermline by torch-wielding locals for wearing pink trousers at East End Park, Terence headed south until his old Peugeot ran out of Tiger fuel tokens outside East Grinstead. Used to live in platonic harmony with the fragrant, lovely Jeanette - but now keeps his dad in the shed. Once a role model to a generation of Sussex hacks, his life now serves as a warning to others.

AKA: Dogger.
Roles: Batsman, captain, wicketkeeper, best fielder and total organiser of egg sarnies.
Place and date of birth: North Yorkshire, 20 April 1957
Height: 5ft 10in.
Weight: 28 stones.
Education: None.
Marital status: Who knows?
Debut: Don't know, but I got a fifty.
Highest score: Two short of a ton, given out lbw by The Gip - twat.
Best bowling: 7 for 12 including a hat-trick in a final but I was 15 at the time - and a hero. Those were the days! About two years ago, mentally.
Liner I most admire and why: Jacko - drives so well for a man left with no guts.
Most memorable moment: Nicknaming Irish Bob.
Hobbies: Sex, women, Man Utd, Parky's missus, fags, beer and Parky's missus and all other women, plus some fags and booze, a bottle of wine and some fags and a beer and Parky's missus, but mainly Man Utd - sorry Parky's missus, you know footy comes first.

Fast cars, fast women, fast batting, fast bowling - spot the odd one out. Yes, while Dogger is capable of scattering fielders with his bludgeoning blows, the only things in danger when he bowls are his toes. Ironically, the metatarsal is probably the one bone he hasn't broken in the last couple of years. Exceptional skipper, exceptional drinker and exceptional perv. When he talks about the wrong 'un, assume the conversation has moved on from the cricket.

Comedy Dave Jaffa THOMAS

AKA: Comedy, Jaffa, Smurf, DT.
Roles: Comedy value.
Place and date of birth: Bedfordshire, February 1974
Height: Smurf size.
Weight: See above.
Education: Yep, went to unismurfity.
Marital status: Single.
Debut: Probably got a duck.
Highest score: Probably a duck.
Best bowling: 4-15 against Lingfield, 16/09/07.
Liner I most admire and why: Irish Bob - for going to take tea at a museum of an afternoon while on tour as if this was the most normal thing in the world.
Most memorable moment: Opening the bowling against Wivelsfield with Stan, as the rest of the team were still in Doug's car. You should have seen the smirk on the opening bat's face.
Hobbies: Wittling and papier mache.

In an already (tragi-)comic outfit, diddy Dave is our funny bone! The mirth-maker extraordinaire regularly tops the bill on "open mic" night at Seaford Age Concern. Still the only Liner to cross the Solent without the aid of a ferry, he added impressions to his giggle-inducing repertoire with his 2006 take on Reggie Perrin's "Man Walking Into the Sea" skit. Bring your whale-bone corsets if you want to keep your ribs inside your epidermis in '07!

AKA: Fingers, Fossil.
Roles: Bat 1-11, bowl reluctantly (too many styles in my armoury, most of them wayward).
Place and date of birth: Cuckfield, 13 February 1950. I was a war baby (Korean).
Height: 5ft 8in and shrinking.
Weight: Inconsistent, like my cricket. Trying to keep it under 13 stone to preserve my cat-like qualities around the corner.
Education: London Road Primary School, Oakmeeds Secondary School. It was tough - teachers could hit you then. (But it never did me any harm, did it?)
Marital status: Married to Janet for 29 years. Four children. (Two adopted, or is that adapted?)
Debut: First ever match, a friendly against Burgess Hill Rugby Club. Started with a duck... the only way was up.
Highest score: 58 versus Southern Cross, July 2000.
Best bowling: 3 for something against Priory Ruins.
Liner I most admire and why: Let's hear it for Tommy Faulkner (never got hot under the collar, never got hot anywhere). Loved umpiring so he could wrap another sweater around his waist.
Most memorable moment: So numerous...my big 50; batting for an hour to save a match and scoring zero in the process; final over against Albourne who needed 40 to win and nearly made it thanks to my scattergun attack (12 wides).
Hobbies: Waking up in the morning and nurdling.

Fingers' presence is testament to the fact that no matter how old, how immobile, how senile you are, we will always pick you if you can make a decent sausage roll. A much-loved Liner, Captain Caveman has lived on a diet of Pot Nurdle for decades. Finest moment was hitting the winning boundary at Shanklin a few years back. Funniest moment was disappearing headfirst into a hedge while fielding at Watermill. He's still picking the foliage out of his beard.

AKA: Statto, Stats, Famine Belly, Smiler, CP, Verger's Bitch (I'm bitch to anyone who has a public school education).
Roles: Scorer, semi-professional nunkey, a wicketkeeper who cannot stand up to spinners, assistant club statisician to RN.
Height: 5ft 11in.
Weight: 11st (due to famine belly).
Education: Birchwood Grove, Oakmeeds, Haywards Heath 6th Form, Crawley College, EMAP training centre, Foxy's school of subbing.
Marital status: Single (or as good as married according to others).
Debut: Probably v St Francis Hospital in April 1994 or could be v Southern Cross.
Highest score: 23 v AMEX (18/5/03). Went into bat at 2.30pm, out at 4.24pm.
Best bowling: 1 for something v Ifield (Paul Morris, thank you for my one and only Liners wicket).
Liner I most admire and why: Neil Wallis. Been there from the start, plays most weeks, umpires for 20 overs, happy to bat from 1-11, made gully/backward point position his own at the age of 82, makes a cracking sausage roll and can send a fielding team to sleep when he bats - he's my hero and mentor.
Most memorable moment: Taking five catches in a match behind stumps, bowling a hat-trick in beach cricket. Watching the Verger bowl Island Bakeries' best batsman first ball with an off-break which nipped back THREE FEET (if not more!!!) to hit middle. But most memorable - the Dodgy Botty Tour...when I let rip in RN's car and almost killed half of the touring party.
Hobbies: Carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, needlework, moaning, pretending it's 1985 and watching re-runs of Scrubs, Frasier, Cheers, Blackadder and Alan Partridge.

When not playing for the Headliners, Statto works part-time as the Peperami Man. A bit of an animal, he has been known to vent his anger on batsmen, bowlers and motherf***ing cyclists. Was once spotted in a Hedonism hot-tub with three busty beauties and a goat - although that may just be wishful thinking on The Verger's part. Dazzled us with his skin-tight catsuit last year. Expect him to don Borat's "Mankini" this season.

Ben Procter
AKA: The Dentist
Roles: Strike Bowler, Wingman
Place and date of birth: Cuckfield, 26 Sept 1985
Height: 6ft 5"
Weight: Over.
Education: Tavistock & Summer Hill, Ardingly College, Central Sussex College
Marital status: Living with Jean.
Debut: Can't rightly remember - help me out stan!.
Highest score: 30 on tour opening the batting against the prison officers with DD as captain!!
Best bowling: last season!
Liner I most admire and why:Stan for the amount of abuse he takes, yet he keeps coming back for more
Most memorable moment: taking someones teeth out and their team leaving shortly after the game without paying for dinner
Hobbies: Paintballing, shooting, hunting, cars.